Dear Kwan Six

You're in your exam at the moment and i wish you all the best. you have put alot of effort into this year and you deserve to do well.

i miss you, like, alot.

I know you said you've run out of effort for me and i know i said i woudnt expect anything from you but i dont know why then im crying,

i just thought youd still let me know how you were, youd take the minute to text me on your study break, when you went to lunch, or on your way home. but you didnt.

i cant help but think this is just a break for you. some time away from me. you stopped asking if i slept okay, you stopped asking how i am, you stopped wishing me sweet dreams. they'e just small things, but they were important to me.

im telling myself, you're just stressed, im convincing myself you're just busy, im hoping your exam is 3 hours long and you're not just ignoring me. im telling myself you still love me, im going to believe im just being silly and all of this will go away with exam period.

how come everything falls apart when you're not around.

why did you ignore my msgs, why did you ignore my emails, why are you shutting me out, what did i do wrong?

dear kwan.five

you silly little thing.
i don't need you to smother me with things. you're making me feel bad.
grab a piece of paper and a box of crayons, draw me a picture and i'll frame it for my wall. it's sentimental value will be the same.
because at the end of the day they were all products of thoughts of me.

i tolerate you because i love you. because one you piss me off i realize, it isnt worth it and i stop being angry.

2.21am i need to be up soon. damn. im going to regret not going to sleep.

dear kwan.four

it's okay if you shut me out now and then. we all have our moments when we want to be alone.
you'll talk to me when you're ready. im not going to push you into doing anything you don't want to.
if i don't pester you and ask you about why you're so bothered, please do not assume i don't care. i just don't want to annoy you or make you feel uncomfortable. that's all.

i apologize if i upset you with the whole trust thing. but understand, i trust you enough to have told you more than most people know about me. appreciate that much.

it's just that, i know you're capable of lying to me. i just suck it up.
and i know if i tell you somethings you're going to go and tell people like kim or my sister.

the sole reason why i pretend everything is okay is so that nobody need know. i let you know because i know its important to me. if you go telling everyone else it leaves me vulnerable to criticism and lime light questioning. the very things i try to avoid. i am old enough to fend to myself, i don't need others worrying over my mediocre dramas.

you're the one going on about how you want me to tell you things, how can i tell you things when you don't? when you stop talking it makes me think its because you know im going to crap ad you don't want to bother me with yours. so then ill just stop telling you and make everything out to be okay in hope that you'll start taking again.

dear kwan.three

I've said im sorry so many times now i don't think you even think it matters.
Point it, from the get to i told you this wouldn't be easy. I told you i am going to be a pain in the ass, im not going to understand some things, and opening up for me is difficult. I know its important to you but im struggling here. Lately i know that things at your house haven't been great, so i am reluctant to come to you and complain about the minor faults in my life. Simply because i don't need you worrying about yourself and me. It just makes me feel a little selfish.

Thing is, you're always on about how you don't like it when i supress things, when i dont tell you things but you do exactly the same thing. This whole trust thing has to work both ways, i can't talk to some one who won't talk back. I don't want to feel like a pity case.

Thank-you for staying at the hospital with me. It means a lot, it really does. After how i was acting i wouldn't have been surprised if you left me. I mean, if i were you i wouldn't want to be around me either. but, thank-you for sticking around. i know you were really tired, and moody.

Sorry im not more supportive, or considerate, or thoughtful. I'm trying. these baby steps are just harder than i thought.

please don't shut me out today.

dear kwan.two

i see you more than i see my own father but for some reason today, i missed you more than usual.

-

Mr Quan Le

Here it is, plain and simple. I Love You. For all that you are, for all that you're worth, for you.
You have it in you that I am in this because of monetary value. That couldn't bother me any less. For all I care, you could live in commission housing, be unemployed and for Christmas and my birthday given me a bunch of flowers you picked off your neighbors garden and a rock you found on your way to meet me, and I would still be with you and find a place on my bookshelf for that rock. I don't know how to make you understand how very important you are to me.

dear kwan.one

Today is March 16 and i have started writing to you indirectly. One day I will be brave and you will read every word i have to offer to you. one day.

The other day you asked me if i was happy being with you and i didn't know what to say.
I enjoy time spent with you, even if we just sit silently in Hargraves, I get upset on the days I don't here/see you, I like talking to a select few of my friends because they always end up asking 'so how's kwan?' and it makes me smile. I like waking up to your msgs and i like it when you msg me good night. actually i just like you and everything that comes with it. i dont care if you think you're overly lame, i dont care that you think youre fat, i dont care that you get moody in winter, i dont care that you're not a financially stable as you'd like to be. listen here and listen good. I love you regardless, not because. So when you asked me if i was happy being with you i didnt know what to say because the first thing i thought was, '...Why does he even have to question that?'

Yesterday on the train you asked what id think if you went MIA for a week. honestly, i dont know. i dont like it when you go MIA because i miss you, because i miss a whole week of your life, because it makes me think that i should be able to do something about it, i should be able to make it better, but i cant. but i want you to go if you have to. because it gives you time for you, to clear your head space to think things through, but then thinking has is consequences, but clearing your head space might me suppressing so i dont find out so i dont worry. i dont know. you know what, dont ask me. do what you have to to because you know what's best for you. just let me know what the go is before you leave.

since august 19 ive sent you 1500 or so msgs. is that it? then i realised there was a breif period of time we stopped talking. and every time i think back to that my heart stops for a moment. because i cant even begin to explain how sorry i am for that.

i know you get upset when i talk to Thomas, because i treat thomas with special consideration. because if you spoke to someone else the way i spoke to thomas I am pretty sure id crumble a little on the inside too. but you're keeping it in because he's my friend, because you dont want to upset me. i dont know how to fix that. most of the time I am with thomas its not me talking. i do most of the listening. i know all you've ever wanted is for me to run to you pour my heart out and let it all go. i dont know why im so stubborn, i dont know why its so hard for me to open up. but then sometimes i think, 'somethings up, he's not telling me. he wont tell me because he doesnt want me to worry, so he's going to suppress it, look at me smile and pretend its okay. what ever's on my mind can wait. smile through and make sure he's okay first.'

i dont like it when you dont tell me things, but i do the same, i dont like it when you pretend you're okay, i still do the same, i dont like it when you over think, i do it too.

we're more alike than i could ever imagine. maybe thats not always a good thing. because we end up in a vicious cycle like that were we both face contradiction and conflict. i told you when you started dating me. this isnt going to be easy. but to be with you, it's worth it in the end.

you're a little crazy for still wanting to be with me, the irony is, you keep me sane. on days when i 1want to lock myslef in my room and flip tables, pull down my bookshelf and throw large solid object out the window, or sit under my desk with the music on full blast, you text msg me something completely irrelevant and senseless, but, it calms me, ever so slightly. so i proceed and you continue with conversation and before i know it, you've got me smiling again. you brighten me and you dont even know it.

you're the first boy that i've really publicly admitted to liking, for a kid like me, that's a really big thing. i was always the proud independent that flew it solo, to all outings, parties, dinners, and gno dates. i was always the tough cookie the smiled threw the rain, that every one turned to because i was single and pretty much bother free.

you're the first person i think of when shit hits the ceiling. but im still scared if i call you i'll be interrupting.

i think. we're going to be okay.