I've said im sorry so many times now i don't think you even think it matters.
Point it, from the get to i told you this wouldn't be easy. I told you i am going to be a pain in the ass, im not going to understand some things, and opening up for me is difficult. I know its important to you but im struggling here. Lately i know that things at your house haven't been great, so i am reluctant to come to you and complain about the minor faults in my life. Simply because i don't need you worrying about yourself and me. It just makes me feel a little selfish.
Thing is, you're always on about how you don't like it when i supress things, when i dont tell you things but you do exactly the same thing. This whole trust thing has to work both ways, i can't talk to some one who won't talk back. I don't want to feel like a pity case.
Thank-you for staying at the hospital with me. It means a lot, it really does. After how i was acting i wouldn't have been surprised if you left me. I mean, if i were you i wouldn't want to be around me either. but, thank-you for sticking around. i know you were really tired, and moody.
Sorry im not more supportive, or considerate, or thoughtful. I'm trying. these baby steps are just harder than i thought.
please don't shut me out today.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
dear kwan.two
i see you more than i see my own father but for some reason today, i missed you more than usual.
-
Mr Quan Le
Here it is, plain and simple. I Love You. For all that you are, for all that you're worth, for you.
You have it in you that I am in this because of monetary value. That couldn't bother me any less. For all I care, you could live in commission housing, be unemployed and for Christmas and my birthday given me a bunch of flowers you picked off your neighbors garden and a rock you found on your way to meet me, and I would still be with you and find a place on my bookshelf for that rock. I don't know how to make you understand how very important you are to me.
-
Mr Quan Le
Here it is, plain and simple. I Love You. For all that you are, for all that you're worth, for you.
You have it in you that I am in this because of monetary value. That couldn't bother me any less. For all I care, you could live in commission housing, be unemployed and for Christmas and my birthday given me a bunch of flowers you picked off your neighbors garden and a rock you found on your way to meet me, and I would still be with you and find a place on my bookshelf for that rock. I don't know how to make you understand how very important you are to me.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
dear kwan.one
Today is March 16 and i have started writing to you indirectly. One day I will be brave and you will read every word i have to offer to you. one day.
The other day you asked me if i was happy being with you and i didn't know what to say.
I enjoy time spent with you, even if we just sit silently in Hargraves, I get upset on the days I don't here/see you, I like talking to a select few of my friends because they always end up asking 'so how's kwan?' and it makes me smile. I like waking up to your msgs and i like it when you msg me good night. actually i just like you and everything that comes with it. i dont care if you think you're overly lame, i dont care that you think youre fat, i dont care that you get moody in winter, i dont care that you're not a financially stable as you'd like to be. listen here and listen good. I love you regardless, not because. So when you asked me if i was happy being with you i didnt know what to say because the first thing i thought was, '...Why does he even have to question that?'
Yesterday on the train you asked what id think if you went MIA for a week. honestly, i dont know. i dont like it when you go MIA because i miss you, because i miss a whole week of your life, because it makes me think that i should be able to do something about it, i should be able to make it better, but i cant. but i want you to go if you have to. because it gives you time for you, to clear your head space to think things through, but then thinking has is consequences, but clearing your head space might me suppressing so i dont find out so i dont worry. i dont know. you know what, dont ask me. do what you have to to because you know what's best for you. just let me know what the go is before you leave.
since august 19 ive sent you 1500 or so msgs. is that it? then i realised there was a breif period of time we stopped talking. and every time i think back to that my heart stops for a moment. because i cant even begin to explain how sorry i am for that.
i know you get upset when i talk to Thomas, because i treat thomas with special consideration. because if you spoke to someone else the way i spoke to thomas I am pretty sure id crumble a little on the inside too. but you're keeping it in because he's my friend, because you dont want to upset me. i dont know how to fix that. most of the time I am with thomas its not me talking. i do most of the listening. i know all you've ever wanted is for me to run to you pour my heart out and let it all go. i dont know why im so stubborn, i dont know why its so hard for me to open up. but then sometimes i think, 'somethings up, he's not telling me. he wont tell me because he doesnt want me to worry, so he's going to suppress it, look at me smile and pretend its okay. what ever's on my mind can wait. smile through and make sure he's okay first.'
i dont like it when you dont tell me things, but i do the same, i dont like it when you pretend you're okay, i still do the same, i dont like it when you over think, i do it too.
we're more alike than i could ever imagine. maybe thats not always a good thing. because we end up in a vicious cycle like that were we both face contradiction and conflict. i told you when you started dating me. this isnt going to be easy. but to be with you, it's worth it in the end.
you're a little crazy for still wanting to be with me, the irony is, you keep me sane. on days when i 1want to lock myslef in my room and flip tables, pull down my bookshelf and throw large solid object out the window, or sit under my desk with the music on full blast, you text msg me something completely irrelevant and senseless, but, it calms me, ever so slightly. so i proceed and you continue with conversation and before i know it, you've got me smiling again. you brighten me and you dont even know it.
you're the first boy that i've really publicly admitted to liking, for a kid like me, that's a really big thing. i was always the proud independent that flew it solo, to all outings, parties, dinners, and gno dates. i was always the tough cookie the smiled threw the rain, that every one turned to because i was single and pretty much bother free.
you're the first person i think of when shit hits the ceiling. but im still scared if i call you i'll be interrupting.
i think. we're going to be okay.
The other day you asked me if i was happy being with you and i didn't know what to say.
I enjoy time spent with you, even if we just sit silently in Hargraves, I get upset on the days I don't here/see you, I like talking to a select few of my friends because they always end up asking 'so how's kwan?' and it makes me smile. I like waking up to your msgs and i like it when you msg me good night. actually i just like you and everything that comes with it. i dont care if you think you're overly lame, i dont care that you think youre fat, i dont care that you get moody in winter, i dont care that you're not a financially stable as you'd like to be. listen here and listen good. I love you regardless, not because. So when you asked me if i was happy being with you i didnt know what to say because the first thing i thought was, '...Why does he even have to question that?'
Yesterday on the train you asked what id think if you went MIA for a week. honestly, i dont know. i dont like it when you go MIA because i miss you, because i miss a whole week of your life, because it makes me think that i should be able to do something about it, i should be able to make it better, but i cant. but i want you to go if you have to. because it gives you time for you, to clear your head space to think things through, but then thinking has is consequences, but clearing your head space might me suppressing so i dont find out so i dont worry. i dont know. you know what, dont ask me. do what you have to to because you know what's best for you. just let me know what the go is before you leave.
since august 19 ive sent you 1500 or so msgs. is that it? then i realised there was a breif period of time we stopped talking. and every time i think back to that my heart stops for a moment. because i cant even begin to explain how sorry i am for that.
i know you get upset when i talk to Thomas, because i treat thomas with special consideration. because if you spoke to someone else the way i spoke to thomas I am pretty sure id crumble a little on the inside too. but you're keeping it in because he's my friend, because you dont want to upset me. i dont know how to fix that. most of the time I am with thomas its not me talking. i do most of the listening. i know all you've ever wanted is for me to run to you pour my heart out and let it all go. i dont know why im so stubborn, i dont know why its so hard for me to open up. but then sometimes i think, 'somethings up, he's not telling me. he wont tell me because he doesnt want me to worry, so he's going to suppress it, look at me smile and pretend its okay. what ever's on my mind can wait. smile through and make sure he's okay first.'
i dont like it when you dont tell me things, but i do the same, i dont like it when you pretend you're okay, i still do the same, i dont like it when you over think, i do it too.
we're more alike than i could ever imagine. maybe thats not always a good thing. because we end up in a vicious cycle like that were we both face contradiction and conflict. i told you when you started dating me. this isnt going to be easy. but to be with you, it's worth it in the end.
you're a little crazy for still wanting to be with me, the irony is, you keep me sane. on days when i 1want to lock myslef in my room and flip tables, pull down my bookshelf and throw large solid object out the window, or sit under my desk with the music on full blast, you text msg me something completely irrelevant and senseless, but, it calms me, ever so slightly. so i proceed and you continue with conversation and before i know it, you've got me smiling again. you brighten me and you dont even know it.
you're the first boy that i've really publicly admitted to liking, for a kid like me, that's a really big thing. i was always the proud independent that flew it solo, to all outings, parties, dinners, and gno dates. i was always the tough cookie the smiled threw the rain, that every one turned to because i was single and pretty much bother free.
you're the first person i think of when shit hits the ceiling. but im still scared if i call you i'll be interrupting.
i think. we're going to be okay.
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