dear kwan.one

Today is March 16 and i have started writing to you indirectly. One day I will be brave and you will read every word i have to offer to you. one day.

The other day you asked me if i was happy being with you and i didn't know what to say.
I enjoy time spent with you, even if we just sit silently in Hargraves, I get upset on the days I don't here/see you, I like talking to a select few of my friends because they always end up asking 'so how's kwan?' and it makes me smile. I like waking up to your msgs and i like it when you msg me good night. actually i just like you and everything that comes with it. i dont care if you think you're overly lame, i dont care that you think youre fat, i dont care that you get moody in winter, i dont care that you're not a financially stable as you'd like to be. listen here and listen good. I love you regardless, not because. So when you asked me if i was happy being with you i didnt know what to say because the first thing i thought was, '...Why does he even have to question that?'

Yesterday on the train you asked what id think if you went MIA for a week. honestly, i dont know. i dont like it when you go MIA because i miss you, because i miss a whole week of your life, because it makes me think that i should be able to do something about it, i should be able to make it better, but i cant. but i want you to go if you have to. because it gives you time for you, to clear your head space to think things through, but then thinking has is consequences, but clearing your head space might me suppressing so i dont find out so i dont worry. i dont know. you know what, dont ask me. do what you have to to because you know what's best for you. just let me know what the go is before you leave.

since august 19 ive sent you 1500 or so msgs. is that it? then i realised there was a breif period of time we stopped talking. and every time i think back to that my heart stops for a moment. because i cant even begin to explain how sorry i am for that.

i know you get upset when i talk to Thomas, because i treat thomas with special consideration. because if you spoke to someone else the way i spoke to thomas I am pretty sure id crumble a little on the inside too. but you're keeping it in because he's my friend, because you dont want to upset me. i dont know how to fix that. most of the time I am with thomas its not me talking. i do most of the listening. i know all you've ever wanted is for me to run to you pour my heart out and let it all go. i dont know why im so stubborn, i dont know why its so hard for me to open up. but then sometimes i think, 'somethings up, he's not telling me. he wont tell me because he doesnt want me to worry, so he's going to suppress it, look at me smile and pretend its okay. what ever's on my mind can wait. smile through and make sure he's okay first.'

i dont like it when you dont tell me things, but i do the same, i dont like it when you pretend you're okay, i still do the same, i dont like it when you over think, i do it too.

we're more alike than i could ever imagine. maybe thats not always a good thing. because we end up in a vicious cycle like that were we both face contradiction and conflict. i told you when you started dating me. this isnt going to be easy. but to be with you, it's worth it in the end.

you're a little crazy for still wanting to be with me, the irony is, you keep me sane. on days when i 1want to lock myslef in my room and flip tables, pull down my bookshelf and throw large solid object out the window, or sit under my desk with the music on full blast, you text msg me something completely irrelevant and senseless, but, it calms me, ever so slightly. so i proceed and you continue with conversation and before i know it, you've got me smiling again. you brighten me and you dont even know it.

you're the first boy that i've really publicly admitted to liking, for a kid like me, that's a really big thing. i was always the proud independent that flew it solo, to all outings, parties, dinners, and gno dates. i was always the tough cookie the smiled threw the rain, that every one turned to because i was single and pretty much bother free.

you're the first person i think of when shit hits the ceiling. but im still scared if i call you i'll be interrupting.

i think. we're going to be okay.